“I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche
“Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that mother fucker's reflection.”
― Lady Gaga
I still talk with Anna. Some people are quite surprised to hear that. She apologized to me several times now and I accepted. I have no reason not to just let it go. After all, Visa reversed the charges, so it cost me nothing, well, nothing monetary anyway, and I believe she has suffered—not for the loss of me certainly—but more for the loss of some of her friends who, when they learned of what she did, began to suspect Anna of some similar crimes of which they were the victims.
Of course it changed everything. I'm not going resume dating her and she's never again going to be left alone in my room with my last remaining credit card, but still I am curious as to what exactly is going on in her mind. I confess this may be a huge character flaw—one of many—but on one level I function this way: People who screw up, even when they do it by doing distrustful things, I tend to trust over those who never screw up or try very hard to appear as such. That is to say, I trust people who I know who have made mistakes as long as the mistakes are admitted openly and the person truly regrets it. If you think about it, there is some logic to this line of thinking in that what stands before you is a flawed, frail and damaged human being. Someone you might recognize.
Now with Anna I'm really not certain about anything anymore and would probably not be the best person to determine whether she genuinely regrets what she did or simply is telling me so. The hours and hours I talked with her in every manner about everything, via texting, laying by the beach or the pool, driving, eating and going out and just sheer volume of time spent together talking and now I'm trying to recall where we might have chaffed—where our views clashed on anything but I cannot. They never did, which is a great sign if you've met someone that shares absolutely all your values perfectly somehow but, in retrospect, something extremely rare. Even with people who I share a whole lot of values and ideals there are things we don't fully agree on, and with Anna that conflict never happened, and now I'm thinking that I was under the illusion of talking to a real person but perhaps all along it was a reflection, like a mirror, but really just an abyss: A vast empty nothingness. Echo!....Echo...echo...
*Dear Tide: I want you to know that I think you are the best laundry detergent ever and if you could see it in your heart to sponsor Blue Monday, I would wear the cleanest-brightest and freshest-smelling t-shirts every single day.